Abacus

Overview

Green Acorns basically took a regular indica, fed it steroids and bedtime stories, then named it after the thing you can no longer operate after smoking it. This strain is for people who want to feel like they're wrapped in a weighted blanket that's also hugging them back. The buds look like tiny purple snowmen covered in sugar, which is fitting because you'll be as immobile as Frosty after three hits.

Effects

Imagine your brain is a computer and Abacus just installed the world's longest update—except the update is just screensavers of sheep jumping fences. Within minutes you're operating on a dial-up connection to reality. Users report feeling like they're being slowly lowered into a warm bath made of marshmallows and regrets. Perfect for people who need help remembering what standing feels like.

Flavor & Aroma

Smells like someone spilled potpourri in a pine forest and then tried to cover it up with candy. The first hit tastes like your grandma's spice drawer had a baby with a sugar cube, then it morphs into something that reminds you of eating dirt—if dirt was delicious and cost $60 an eighth. The pungent aroma is so strong it could get your neighbor's dog high through the walls.

Growing

Apparently grows 10-15% better than other strains, which is great news for people who can still do math while high (spoiler: you won't be one of them). These dense purple monsters can reach 2-3 inches in diameter, making them the perfect size to stare at for three hours while contemplating the word "purple." Green Acorns did all the hard work so you can do none of it.

Medical Benefits

Doctors hate this one weird trick for instantly curing the ability to give a fuck. Great for insomnia, anxiety, chronic pain, and the condition known as "having too many responsibilities." The trace CBD (0.2-0.5%) is like bringing a pool noodle to a tsunami, but somehow it all works. Side effects may include forgetting you have a body and discovering new depths of your couch.

Who It's For

Ideal for people whose Google calendar looks like a game of Tetris and whose coping mechanism is becoming temporarily furniture. Not recommended for anyone who needs to operate heavy machinery like forks. If your evening plans include "exist horizontal" and you've already accepted that tomorrow will start whenever your phone battery dies, congratulations—you've found your spirit animal in plant form.