Apejuice

Strain Overview

Bred by the delightfully paranoid-sounding Red Scare Seed Company, Apejuice emerged from experimental greenhouses around 2017 when breeders asked themselves, "What if we made a strain that turns people into actual apes?" The result is an 80-85% indica powerhouse that reportedly increased dispensary return rates by 25%—probably because customers forgot they already bought it and came back for more gorilla-grade sedation.

Effects That'll Make You Go "Oook"

This isn't your gentle evening indica—this is full-on Planet of the Naps territory. Users report feeling like their bones are made of warm honey while their brain takes an unscheduled vacation to the couch dimension. The minimal sativa presence (15-20%) provides just enough cerebral spark to remind you that you have limbs before the indica dominance convinces you not to use them. Perfect for activities like: sitting, horizontal meditation, and competitive staring contests with your furniture.

Flavor & Aroma Profile

Apejuice smells like someone blended a rainforest with a fruit smoothie and added hints of "I should probably sit down." The dense, crystal-coated buds release earthy, fruity notes with undertones of "where did I put my phone?"—a flavor profile that somehow tastes exactly like the sound of a gorilla sighing contentedly. The smoke is smooth enough to forget you're smoking until you realize you've been holding the same hit for three episodes of whatever you're not watching.

Growing: Easier Than Explaining Your Search History

Commercial growers love Apejuice because it flowers in 7-8 weeks indoors and produces 15-20% higher yields than traditional indicas—perfect for when you need to grow enough weed to tranquilize a small zoo. The plants stay compact and dense, like their users, and produce so many trichomes you'll think your grow room has a glitter problem. Just don't expect to tend to them after sampling the product; these plants basically grow themselves while you practice being one with your sofa.

Medical Benefits (aka Prescription Couch)

Doctors won't write prescriptions for "total physical shutdown," but if they did, Apejuice would be the gold standard. This strain treats insomnia like a professional wrestler treats opponents—aggressively and without mercy. Chronic pain patients report feeling so relaxed they forget they have bodies. Anxiety melts away, mostly because you can't remember what you were worried about when you're too busy being one with your furniture. Side effects may include: forgetting your own name, time dilation, and discovering you've watched 8 hours of nature documentaries about actual apes.

Who Should Smoke This

Ideal for: people whose spirit animal is a sloth on Ambien, anyone whose fitness tracker has given up on them, and folks who consider "getting up to pee" an extreme sport. Not recommended for: operating heavy machinery (or light machinery, or really any machinery), people with plans that involve standing, or anyone who needs to remember their wedding anniversary. If you've ever wanted to understand what it's like to be a very content gorilla in a warm rainforest, congratulations—you've found your spirit strain.