The Origin Story Nobody Asked For
Bakery Genetics cooked this Frankenstein's monster in the mid-2010s because apparently regular weed wasn't making people useless enough. They took classic indicas, locked them in a lab, and said "what if we weaponized relaxation?" The result is a strain that maintains 90% genetic fidelity across generations—because when you're this good at ruining productivity, you don't mess with the recipe.
Effects: The Great Unfriending
Expect to cancel plans you haven't made yet. This 18-25% THC beast starts with a gentle head hug before drop-kicking you into the nearest soft surface. Users report a 95% chance of becoming one with their furniture, with the remaining 5% just lost the ability to text. It's like your body filed for unemployment from your brain.
Flavor Profile: Forest Floor's Revenge
Tastes like someone mulched a pine tree, added citrus zest, then apologized with spice. The earthy base hits first, followed by notes of "why am I licking soil?" and a finish that whispers "you'll be here a while." 90% of users swear it's smooth, which is easy to say when your tongue stops working halfway through the bowl.
Growing Tips for Aspiring Hostages
This strain grows like it's got something to prove. Expect 3-4 inch colas that look like they bench press other strains. The purple hues show up when temperatures drop, making your grow room look like a villain's lair. Maintains 90% genetic consistency, so even your black thumb can't mess this up. Just prepare to explain to your neighbors why you've been "sick" for three weeks straight.
Medical Uses (Besides Losing Time)
Perfect for patients suffering from ambition, social obligations, or being vertical. The myrcene and caryophyllene combo turns chronic pain into chronic Netflix. Insomnia? This strain doesn't just help you sleep—it negotiates a hostile takeover of your consciousness. Anxiety melts away because you literally can't form complete thoughts.
Perfect For People Who...
...have ever fantasized about becoming a houseplant. If your ideal Friday night involves forgetting what day it is, congratulations—you've found your soulmate. Recommended for anyone with a couch they've been meaning to break in and zero intention of answering their phone. Not suggested for those with pending deadlines, small children, or friends who worry.
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