The Origin Story Nobody Asked For
Legendary Hybrids won’t cough up the parents, so Artificial Tears is basically the cannabis equivalent of a “mystery flavor” Airhead. Rumor says it’s a polyhybrid love-child bred for resin so thick you could pave a driveway with it. The name? Either a nod to the eye-drying side effect or a warning to trimmers who forget goggles. Either way, stock up on Visine.
Effects: Emotional Support Dopamine
Expect a 50/50 mind-body split that starts with a cerebral cannonball and ends with your couch becoming a magnetic force field. Great for pretending to work from home, tolerating family group chats, or finally finding the remote you lost three days ago. Novices: start low unless you enjoy existential TED Talks with your ceiling fan.
Flavor & Nose: Pine-Sol Meets Dessert Cart
On the crack of the jar, you’ll get a face-slap of gassy pine and sweet dough—like someone baked cookies in a tire fire. Limonene and caryophyllene dominate, so expect lemon zest up front and pepper on the exhale. Side effect: every dog in a three-block radius will suddenly want to be your best friend.
Growing: For People Who Actually Read Manuals
Medium stretch, medium height, medium everything—this plant is the beige Toyota Camry of cannabis. Topping and SCROG keep her tidy; ignore VPD and she’ll foxtail like she’s auditioning for a Dr. Seuss book. Expect trichome fireworks by week 7-9 flower, with yields fat enough to make your Instagram followers jealous and your landlord suspicious.
Medical Uses (According to Your Cousin Kyle)
Patients report relief from stress, insomnia, and the crushing realization that your high-school band isn’t getting back together. The balanced profile eases body aches without erasing your to-do list, making it perfect for “productive” procrastination. Dry eyes and mouth included at no extra charge—hydrate like you’re crossing the Sahara.
Who Should Smoke This
Ideal for creatives who need inspiration but still want to remember where they left their keys. Also recommended for anyone hosting in-laws: one toke and you’ll both be too baked to argue politics. Skip it if you’re scheduled to operate heavy eyelids within the next four hours.
Want to actually find Artificial Tears near you? WeedVader.com has the real dispensary finder. We just have the jokes.