Crybaby

The Origin Story Nobody Asked For

Offensive Selections spent years crossing plants like they were Pokémon cards until Crybaby popped out with an 18% THC middle finger. They claim "hundreds of trial crosses," which is breeder-speak for "we got really high and kept the one that didn’t die." The result: 87% genetic stability, 100% ability to make you stare at your ceiling fan like it owes you money.

Effects: Emotional Support Brick

One bowl and your muscles melt like ice cream on a Phoenix sidewalk. Couchlock arrives so fast it should come with a seatbelt. Expect giggles followed by a sudden, urgent need to apologize to your furniture. Great for forgetting your ex’s Instagram handle or finally understanding why cats knock stuff off counters.

Flavor & Aroma: A Pine-Sol Fruit Cocktail

Smells like a citrus grove had a messy breakup with a Christmas tree. Tastes like sweet berries rolled in pine needles and dipped in regret. Terpene profile reads like a hostage note from a fruit salad: limonene demanding ransom, myrcne holding the bag. Room note lingers long enough for your neighbor to passive-aggressively burn incense.

Growing Crybaby Without Actually Crying

These dense, trichome-drenched golf balls (1.5" diameter, 150k trichomes/cm²—yes, someone counted) grow like they’re trying to win a beauty pageant. Disease-resistant enough to survive your questionable watering schedule. Yields are generous if you can stop petting the buds long enough to harvest. 85-90% germination rate means even your black thumb gets a participation trophy.

Medical Uses: Because Therapy is Expensive

Perfect for insomnia, anxiety, or that weird neck twitch you pretend isn’t stress-related. Works faster than your boss’s passive-aggressive Slack messages. Also doubles as a time machine—one hit and suddenly it’s three hours later and you’ve organized your sock drawer by emotional resonance.

Who Should Smoke This

Ideal for people whose personality is 70% anxiety and 30% unfinished craft projects. Not recommended if you have plans that involve standing up. Best paired with: fuzzy socks, true crime docs, and a phone on airplane mode so you don’t text your ex "u up?"