Holy Princess

Overview

Bred by the mad scientists at Eskobar Seeds, Holy Princess is 70-80% sativa that acts like it’s perpetually stuck in first gear. This strain is the poster child for “microdose culture” gone rogue—so gentle you could probably hotbox a nursery and the babies would just nap harder. It’s the strain you give your friend who claims they’re “too sensitive” for cannabis, right before they ask if you have anything stronger than chamomile.

Effects

Expect a cerebral “buzz” that feels more like a polite knock on your consciousness than an actual invasion. Users report feeling “mildly intrigued” and “slightly more aware of ceiling textures.” The 5% THC content means you’ll need a joint the size of a baguette to feel anything beyond a placebo effect. Great for pretending to be productive while actually reorganizing your Spotify playlists by mood.

Flavor & Aroma

Smells like a hippy tea shop had a baby with your grandma’s potpourri bowl—earthy, floral, and suspiciously like incense from a yoga studio that charges $40 per class. The taste follows suit: imagine licking a pinecone that’s been dipped in lavender honey and then apologized to. The spicy Haze undertones are there, but they’re about as subtle as a TED Talk on mindfulness.

Growing

Grows like it’s training for a marathon—tall, lanky, and takes forever to finish. Flowering time is 10-12 weeks, which is roughly how long it’ll take you to feel anything from smoking it. Indoor plants can hit 150cm if you’ve got the vertical space and the patience of a Buddhist monk. Yield is decent if you don’t die of old age first. Pro tip: start growing it when you’re young enough to still believe 5% THC is “just the beginning.”

Medical Uses

Recommended for patients who want to tell their doctor they’re “using cannabis therapeutically” without actually getting high. Might help with mild anxiety, boredom, or the existential dread of realizing you paid $60 for 5% THC. Could also treat delusions of potency—nothing humbles a stoner faster than three bowls of Holy Princess and still being able to do taxes.

Who It's For

This strain is for the “cannabis curious” who think weed is still scary but want to post about it on Instagram. Ideal for first dates where you want to seem chill but not actually chill. Also perfect for your dad who keeps saying “I tried it in college but it wasn’t like this” while asking if it’s working yet. Spoiler: it’s not.