Kings Banner XIII

Lineage & Genetics

Kings Banner XIII is what happens when Bruce Banner (the Hulk’s chill cousin) crashes a Versailles ball and seduces King Louis XIII OG. Dark Horse Genetics basically bred a THC-loaded monarch with anger-management issues. The result: OG gas so loud it could wake Marie Antoinette, plus enough resin to wax a palace floor.

Effects: From Court Jester to Comatose

First comes the Banner uplift—motivation to finally fold that laundry you’ve been ignoring since 2022. Five minutes later King Louis drags you to the throne (your recliner) and sentences you to life without movement. Appetite arrives like a royal banquet: suddenly you’re devouring leftover lasagna like it’s a five-course meal. Plan snacks accordingly; dignity is optional.

Flavor & Aroma: Diesel & Dignity

Crack the jar and you’re punched by pine-sol huffed through a diesel rag, with lemon zest sprinkling the crime scene. Grind it and sweet berry candy tries to apologize for the assault. Smoke it and you taste peppery OG kush with hints of “I should’ve stopped at one hit.” Room note lingers like you hot-boxed Versailles itself.

Growing Notes for Peasants

Short, stocky, and stubborn—basically a royal dwarf with trichome jewels. Expect 1.6–2.2x stretch after flip, so trellis early unless you enjoy snapped colas. She’ll bulk into dense, golf-ball nugs that look dipped in sugar and smell like industrial solvent. Cool nights bring out purple robes worthy of a coronation photo shoot. 60–65 days to finish; patience is the price of nobility.

Medical Uses & Misuses

Perfect for insomnia, chronic pain, and pretending the HOA newsletter doesn’t exist. PTSD from your group chat? Kings Banner XIII mutes notifications and replaces them with snoring. Anxiety patients: micro-dose unless you want to audition for a medieval statue. Also doubles as an appetite stimulant—aka the royal munchies decree.

Who Should Smoke This

Nighttime tokers, edible daredevils, and anyone whose FitBit step goal is “zero.” Not for morning meetings, first dates, or operating anything with a steering wheel. If you’ve ever fallen asleep with a slice of pizza on your chest, congratulations—you’re the target demographic. Bow to the king, but maybe put a pillow down first.