Motherfucker Pie

What Even Is This Thing?

Mycotek’s boutique Franken-pie drops in small batches so exclusive your plug’s plug needs a referral. Nobody’s 100% sure of the parents—think Cherry Pie got drunk on OG fuel and woke up next to Skunk #1—but the kids all bake up dense, violet-speckled nugs that look like Christmas ornaments rolled in sugar and diesel.

Effects: Brain Tickle, Body Cuddle

Expect a 50/50 split: your cerebral cortex starts live-tweeting conspiracy theories while your spine melts into the couch like butter on a skillet. Great for debating aliens, ignoring laundry, or finally understanding jazz. Novices: proceed with a snack plan and a spotter who remembers where the remote went.

Flavor & Aroma: Grandma’s Revenge

First sniff: berry crumble fresh out of the oven. Second sniff: someone hot-boxed the kitchen with high-octane. On the tongue it’s like buttery crust, black cherry jam, and a faint afterthought of “did I just lick a tire?” The room note lingers long enough to get you evicted or elected mayor.

Growing Notes for Closet Chemists

Medium height, sturdy lateral branching, and a 2.5:1 calyx-to-leaf ratio that makes trimming feel like cheating. Cool nights paint her eggplant purple; good airflow keeps the funk from turning into moldy funk. Expect 1–2 keepers in a 10-seed pack—treat them like your onlyfans, top early and often.

Medical Uses & Excuses

Patients report relief from stress, minor aches, and the crushing realization that your group chat is roasting you right now. Also prescribed for chronic Netflix indecision and existential Sunday scaries. Side effects include spontaneous snack avalanches and temporary belief that your playlist is fire.

Who Should Hit This

Pie lovers, terp hounds, and anyone who’s ever said “I want dessert but also I want to forget my name.” Not recommended for first-timers, people with 8 a.m. Zoom calls, or anyone whose Tinder date still lives with conservative parents. Basically, if you can handle the name, you can handle the high.