Pie Face

The Origin Story Nobody Asked For

Archive Seed Bank spent 36 months breeding this thing, which is longer than most people spend in therapy. They crossed classic indicas until they achieved a strain that's 80% indica and 100% effective at canceling your evening plans. Three years of selective breeding just to create weed that makes you question gravity—peak cannabis science right here.

Effects: Gravity Optional

Expect the traditional indica package: full-body sedation that feels like being hugged by a weighted blanket made of marshmallows. Your face will literally melt into whatever surface you're on—hence the name. Time becomes a suggestion, snacks become mandatory, and your phone becomes that thing you'll check "in a minute" for six hours. Perfect for those nights when standing up feels like a scam.

Flavor: Forest Floor à la Mode

Tastes like someone took a pine forest, added a dash of sweet earth, then sprinkled it with whatever your weird aunt puts in her "special" pie. The aroma hits 85 decibels—louder than your neighbor's leaf blower and twice as effective at clearing a room. Notes of skunk and spice linger like that one party guest who won't leave.

Growing: For People Who Hate Moving

This plant grows itself while you're too stoned to remember you planted it. Dense, resin-heavy buds coated in 15,000+ trichomes per square centimeter—that's more sparkles than a middle school girl's diary. Yields are generous because even the plant wants you to stay home. Just add water and watch it produce enough sticky icky to make you forget what month it is.

Medical: Doctor's Note for Doing Nothing

Doctors prescribe this for pain, insomnia, and that weird existential dread that hits at 3 AM. The high CBD precursors make it therapeutic, but let's be real—you're here because it turns your brain into warm pudding. Great for anxiety unless your anxiety stems from being too relaxed to function in society.

Perfect For

People whose retirement plan involves never moving again. Introverts who consider "going out" a trip to the kitchen. Anyone who's ever said "five more minutes" and meant five more hours. If your ideal Friday night involves horizontal time travel and forgetting the concept of shoes, congratulations—you've found your spirit animal.