Tea

What Even Is This?

Tea isn't a strain so much as a vibe check from your budtender. It's basically any hybrid that smells like you spilled a Twinings sampler into your grinder. No official lineage, just vibes—think Tangie's citrusy cousin who studied abroad and came back quoting Kipling. The name stuck because "Floral Bouquet with Subtle Bergamot Undertones" doesn't fit on a pre-roll tube.

Effects: Pinkies Out, Brain Cells Down

At 15-25% THC, Tea won't send you to the astral plane, but it'll definitely rearrange your afternoon. Expect a cerebral lift that's more "afternoon garden party" than "frat house couch-lock." You'll be witty, slightly pretentious, and deeply invested in whatever podcast is playing. Perfect for pretending you're productive while actually just reorganizing your tea collection by caffeine content.

Flavor Profile: Grandma's China Cabinet

First hit tastes like someone steeped potpourri in chamomile, then added a whisper of citrus for drama. The exhale leaves a dry, woody finish that'll have you questioning if you just smoked weed or drank an overpriced oolong. Linalool and geraniol tag-team your taste buds while humulene plays the straight man, resulting in a flavor profile that's somehow both refined and completely ridiculous.

Growing: Requires Doilies and Discipline

These plants grow tall and lanky like they've been practicing yoga, hitting 4-5 feet if you let them freestyle. Yield is decent but not "pay-your-rent" impressive—think more "covers-your-grocery-bill" territory. The trick is keeping those delicate terpenes intact, which means cooler nights and a curing process more complicated than your last situationship. Bonus: the buds look so elegant your mom might mistake them for potpourri (again).

Medical: For When You Need to Calm Down and Level Up

Great for anxiety that manifests as wanting to redecorate your entire apartment at 2 AM. The linalool content makes it ideal for those who want to chill without turning into a human burrito. Also effective for creative blocks, social anxiety at book clubs, and pretending you're sophisticated while eating cereal for dinner. Just don't expect it to cure your actual tea addiction—that's between you and your kettle.

Who Should Smoke This

If you've ever corrected someone's pronunciation of "chai" or own more than three types of honey, congratulations—you're the target demographic. Also ideal for people who want to get high but still attend their Zoom poetry readings. Not recommended for anyone who's looking to get absolutely wrecked or who thinks bergamot is a type of Pokémon. Basically, if your dating profile mentions "loves cozy nights in," this bud's for you.